Thursday, January 28, 2021

EGD's Top 11 Other Noteworthy Injunctions by Judge Drew Tipton

[ICYMI, Judge Tipton is the genius who issued an order this week enjoining the Biden administration from pausing most deportations for 100 days, as the Acting Secretary of Homeland Security had commanded. Article]

11. "The sitting U.S. President, having failed to set forth any reasons whatsoever for not attacking Sweden, is hereby enjoined from continuing in his policy of not attacking Sweden."
10. "Having considered the evidence set forth by Plaintiff Flat Earth Society and there being no response tendered by the Defendant, Edwin Hubble, the Court duly finds therefore that the Earth is flat and the universe exists in a 'steady state.' All science teachers having notice of this order shall forthwith cease and desist teachings relating to any of the following: (a) a supposedly 'spherical Earth,' (b) the concept of a 'big bang' in which the present universe exploded from a 'primordial atom;' or (c) other 'science.'"
9. "Grapefruit, being at once a plentiful yet loathsome tasting fruit, shall taste better within 30 days of this order."
8. "The Court finds that Lake Michigan is the only one of the five (5) Great Lakes fully located within U.S. borders, yet is only the third-largest of the Great Lakes by area. These finding are greatly troubling to the Court because certainly the United States, being the greatest nation that ever was and perfect in every imaginable way, should certainly have the largest of the Great Lakes all to itself. This Court therefore orders the nation of "Canada" to fill in so much of the Lakes "Superior" and "Huron" as is necessary to make them smaller than Lake Michigan. Alternatively, the nation of "Canada" may comply with this order by simply ceding all of its territory located in waters of "Superior" and Huron to the United States. Also our national anthem is not worse."
7. "It being clear from the text of the document that the Founding Fathers of the United States intended in the Constitution for Donald J. Trump to be the U.S. President in perpetuity, as well as unrestrained philosopher king and almighty fuhrer, it so it is done by my hand this 27th Day of January, 2021."
7. "All birds residing or traveling through this district shall henceforth refrain from depositing excrement, purposefully or negligently, upon or in the vicinity of a the personal automobile belonging to this Judge, being a grey Mercedes bearing the license number . . ."
6. "Covid-19, having originated in mainland China, is hereby ordered to return forthwith to Eastern Lands."
5. "All polar ice caps having notice of this order shall forthwith cease and desist from continuing to melt, insofar as any such melting is the result of natural processes unrelated to human activity. Any melting shown to have been the product of human activity is hereby declared impossible, and therefore need not be enjoined."
4. "By the power vested in this United States District Court, the state of North Korea is hereby ordered to cease and desist from continuing to enrich nuclear material for use in the manufacture of military warheads and shall immediately dismantle any and all ballistic missiles and machinery or appurtenances for the production thereof."
3. All people are hereby enjoined from initiating or prosecuting any claims in this honorable Court, except as follows: (a) people who are not natural persons but are corporate entities with the rights of persons (including foreign and domestic corporations, limited liability companies, etc.); (b) people who meet all the following criteria: (i) possess significant wealth, (ii) identify racially as "white" or "caucasian;" (iii) are Evangelical Christians or a different form of Christian and have obtained an order from the court authorizing participation due to extenuating circumstances; (iv) voted for Trump in 2020 and, if eligible to vote in 2016, voted for Trump in that election too; and (v) are fully heterosexual both in sexual orientation and in gender identity and of the same gender as designated at birth.
2. "Trains shall blow their horns more."
1. "This Court finds that many people appear not to respect this Court as the august jurist I am. It has been said this Court has extreme and irrational views and fails to understand basic concepts of law and procedure. This Court's orders have been mocked and ridiculed as "unenforceable" by legal scholars, news media, and other analysts and advocates--many of whom suggest this Court's appointment had more to do with some bizarre combination of right-wing politics and graft than with the Court's high qualifications and impeccable professional acumen. Therefore, it is now ordered that all you who question this honorable Court may go f*k directly off. So ordered."

Letter to University of Michigan President Santa Ono on Pro-Palestine Protests of March 24, 2024

 Dear President Santa Ono: Although I was generally in agreement with the content of your letter regarding the disruption at the honors conv...