Wednesday, March 4, 2020
I wanna new drug
Just looking at some options.
Alcohol. Probably the main advantage is that it's legal and readily available wherever you happen to be. Plus it's fun to experiment with new labels or new cocktail combinations and whatnot. But that's about it. Hard to attain the desired level of buzz without overdoing it, you consume a ridiculous amount of calories, and there's hangovers. For me, the worst thing is that a single sip tends to render me some degree of useless for the rest of the evening. Grade: C+
Watching sports. Also legal. Can be enjoyed at various levels of intensity. Has social, aesthetic, and intellectual aspects. Really good for blocking out those unpleasant realities. On the other hand, watching a sport tends to be boring unless you follow at least to some threshold level--so it's a major time commitment and tends to produce a profound addiction that is very difficult, if not impossible, to break. Fosters absurd forms of parochialism and makes me hate you because of the Ohio State shirt you have on. Also, your team is going to lose, probably a lot. Grade: C+
Eating at food trucks. Legal most of the time. The food is usually excellent, though can be disappointing. Weather dependent. Good way to meet nice people--though the conversations tend to be brief and superficial. Prices vary, but calorie intake is almost always sky high. Main drawback: just kind of a thing you can do, isn't really going to distract you from existential terror. Grade: B+
Marijuana. Semi-legal in a handful of states. Much better high than alcohol, no hangover. You're still going to be useless though. Really f*ing useless. Lots of cool bongs and pipes and edibles and stuff. Problems: expensive, a pain in the ass, the need to be discreet, munchies, sometimes you get paranoid and hear yourself saying things that you know are stupid but you can't stop yourself and then you get more paranoid and say even stupider things and get frustrated and what the hell am I going to do and then you go to bed at 5:15 p.m. Grade: B
Scale modeling. Not against, the law, but one of those things that makes people suspicious--especially if you go for the cheap toxic glue. Takes a hell of a long time and requires intense concentration, research, etc. Some financial commitment but not expensive. Drawbacks: most kits are either for sports cars or various military equipment, messy and takes up space, eventually you are probably going to mess something up and the steering wheel won't fit right, yeah you can modify the kit but good luck with that, and what the hell are you going to do with a 1/32 scale replica of the HMS Pinafore that tips over on its right side after you actually finish the thing? Grade: C
LOTR movie marathons. Legal outside of China. Maybe in China, not sure. Hobbitses very subversive. Takes a while. Good excuse to use your big TV. Hey, I still have something that plays DVDs! The Bridge at Khazad-dum scene occurs. Happy ending. OTOH no Tom Bombadil, and then at some point you need a break from it. Probably going to have to do this alone. I guess you could just re-read the books (again)? Grade: A-
Bodybuilding. The activity itself is legal, but often crime-adjacent. Very time-consuming and rather ineffective absent a total lifestyle commitment. You get to have muscles and shit. Is that all? All. I guess for drawbacks there is a risk of injury, it can get expensive, and you have to read all those websites that say "everybody else is wrong, click HERE for the secret method of sculpting that 8-pack" and then you click and it requires you to enter your email address and consent to text messages from douchey salespeople. Well, I guess you don't have to. Grade: B+
Domestic chores. Legal if you are doing them yourself. Always good to have a clean house. You're going to do it anyway so maybe if you claim it as your hobby and tell people you enjoy it then you can fool yourself into actually digging it? Eh, that's a strange way to live. Drawbacks: sucks in every way. Grade: F. Maybe a D- if combined with gardening.
Playing the banjo on the front porch of a ramshackle Appalachian cabin. Always going to award good points for music. Develops manual dexterity. Burt Reynolds might come. Not really anything bad I can say about it, though I do wonder if it's actually possible to get the true PBOTFPOARAC experience if you're not a genuine hill boy and just kind of doing the Appalachian poverty tourism thing. Nonzero chance of being eaten. Grade: B+
Cruises. The food's not great, you get to stop in the ports and be like "hey I was Jamaica!" but no not you really weren't in Jamaica, you might get SARS or the coronavirus or something. Probably not going to sink. BUT, gets you the hell away from reality for five or seven or however many days. Hella expensive. Maybe you can afford it but we're all about opportunity cost at Entitled White Jaywalker. They'll probably have you drinking alcohol. Grade: D+
Tik-Tok master. Involves artistic/athletic movement. Evidently it's possible to make money. Can be done in short spurts of time. Problems: probably need to be under 25 and in tune with youth culture regardless. I guess I really don't know enough about it, should probably end now. Grade: C-
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